The Hungarian Phrasebook sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Set: A tobacconist’s shop.
Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets — many of them Hungarians (not the streets — the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist’s shops to buy cigarettes…
A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones). The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist’s.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist’s, it is scratched.
Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco… um… cigarettes. (Holds up a pack.)
Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh… My hovercraft is full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette) …is full of eels
(pretends to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant… do you waaaaaant… to come
back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don’t think you’re using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: That’ll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I… I am no longer infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh… (takes phrase book, flips through it) …Costs six and
six… ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk.
Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if
hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the
tobacconist’s.
Cop: What’s going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait ’til lunchtime.
(points at clerk)
Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!
(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop. Characters:
Judge: Terry Jones
Bailiff: Eric Idle
Lawyer: John Cleese
Cop: Graham (still)
Publisher: Michael Palin )
Bailiff: Call Alexander Yalt!
(voices sing out the name several times)
Judge: Oh, shut up!
Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.
Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: I am.
Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Publisher: Not guilty.
Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.
Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?
Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.
Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books?
Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.
Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?
Publisher: Yes.
Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!
(lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)
Judge: Get on with it, get on with it.
Bailiff: That’s fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.
Publisher: I did.
Bailiff: I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning “Can you direct me to the station?” is translated by the English phrase, “Please fondle my bum.”
Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.
Cop: (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m’lord?
Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!
(the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.)
Judge: Why on earth didn’t you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?
Cop: I didn’t know an acceptable legal phrase, m’lord.
(cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)
Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there’s any more stock film of women applauding, I’ll clear the court.
chris // May 27, 2009 at 10:30 am
How to say “My hovercraft is full of eels” in many languages, and the Monty Python sketch.
Rachel // Jun 22, 2009 at 10:29 pm
I thought this was hilarious and a very good title for your blog!
Albert Beale // Jun 23, 2009 at 12:07 am
I was pleased to see the translations included Volapuk as well as Esperanto — but would have liked Glossa or Interglossa…
Alastair Cameron // Jul 1, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I heard a great story once — from real life — about a young couple in Greece. As they paid the bill in a restaurant, the waiter said to the man, ‘Your wife, she has lovely nipples.’ ‘Pardon??!’
‘Your wife, she has lovely nipples.’ ‘Sorrry???!!’
‘Your wife, she has lovely nipples,’ repeats the waiter, gesturing to his cheeks, just on either side of the mouth…